My grandparents were together for almost 60 years before he passed away last month. When my mom told me that he passed away, my initial heartache was more for my grandmother than for myself. You see, my grandparents were soul mates.
Growing up, most of us don’t pay attention to how our parents and grandparents relate to each other romantically (Personally, I didn’t even like seeing my parents kiss until I was well into my 20s). Now that I’m single again, I’ve been more focused on what leads to a lasting relationship. Since my grandparents have the longest relationship I know, I figured I’d start with them.
1. Love is not blind, but sees and accepts all aspects of a person.
My grandparents were regular, imperfect people. They each had character flaws and vices just like anyone else. I don’t think they were blind to their quirks, I believe they simply accepted and allowed each other to be who they were.
We have a saying in Jamaica “Ah suh dem stay,” which roughly translates to “That’s how they are.” There’s something liberating about being accepted for who you are and how you behave. My grandparents unapologetically accepted themselves and each other, flaws and all. It’s amazing to find someone who accepts you completely and that you can accept ‘as is’ also.
2. A relationship should allow you to be your best self.
Often times in relationships we try to fix, or change each other in ways we view as being “better” for the other person and the relationship. I’m not talking about leaving wet towels on the floor or forgetting to recap the toothpaste. I’m referring to personality traits like trying to make an introvert be more outgoing or turn a night owl into a morning person.
But it’s not our job to change other people. Besides, when we think about how difficult it is to change ourselves, we’ll see how futile it is to try and change others.
Helping someone grow into being their best self is one aspect of a relationship. Just make sure the version of “best self” is what you want for yourself, not what they want for you.
3. Passion can last decades into a relationship.
A few years ago, my family and I were relaxing together after a wedding. The shoulder strap on my grandmother’s dress slid down, so her bra was peeking out in the front. I walked over to her and started to fix it while saying, “Oh grandma, your bra is showing.” As I tried to tuck the bra back in, my grandpa gently swatted my hand away and said, “Leave it. That’s how I like it.” The entire room erupted with laughter. My grandma just blushed like a school girl with a crush. It’s no wonder they raised eleven children.
Relationships take daily effort from both people to be successful. Yet for all the work it seems to entail, my grandparents made it look simple and easy.
What have you learned about love from couples who have been together for decades?